crap mood

I am in a horrific mood today. My patience level is pretty much at zero. So if I was bitchy to you or if I am bitchy to you later, I apologize.

Though I don't know why I should apologize. Everyone has their bad days. Even me. I spend so much of my time trying not to be cross with people. I'm not a saint. People have been snippy with me... why can't I ever be snippy back? I try not to show extreme emotions too much, but when I do (and they're negative emotions), people look at me and tell me to not act the way I do. So then I swallow whatever I'm feeling, until it bubbles over and the cycle starts again. It's not a healthy way for me to deal with things, but it's what I've been doing for a long time.

Why am I being so pissy today? Well, I guess it's just stress adding up... from money issues and classes. If it was just classes, I would be able to deal a bit better. But I hate money. It stresses my mother to no end, who in turn stresses me out.

I think it also has to do with being so social. It sounds bad, but I'm really quite the introvert. I hate being in large crowds. I can deal with social settings usually... but this weekend, I barely had an hour where I could sit and meditate, or just plain chill. If I can't be by myself and unwind, then everything falls apart. Like now. It's not that I don't like people... I do (well, some people anyways :-P)... but my people skills aren't the best, and sometimes when I speak, I can just hear people thinking "wow, she's kind of dumb. She can't even get her words out" and it flusters me. I'm not good at taking my thoughts and making them verbal. I'm tempted to take a vow of silence and just write out everything I want to say. Maybe then I'll stop feeling so damned moronic.

Yeah, my crappy mood also spreads to my self-image. I hate myself today. I'm stupid, a big bitch, gaining weight, unattractive, blah blah blah. Basically, I'm inadequate.

Well, I got a 98 on my latest theo paper, so that made me feel a LITTLE better. But not really. The storm cloud's over my head and it will remain there unless something really good happens. Or I get sleep.

Maybe I should not go to the basketball game tonight. But if I don't, then I'll just hate myself even more for letting myself withdraw from everyone and missing a good time.

At least I know this mood will pass. My goal is to not alienate any friends. Of course, if they stop being a friend because I was difficult for one day, then maybe they never really were good friends, so...

Gilmore Girls rerun is on now. Maybe if I watch that, it'll help my mood. GG always makes me smile.